Anxiety

Hey guys. I know these posts come random and they don't all have to do with abortion. I'm a college student so I write when I have time.

On a happy note I just got a job at Lutheran Services here where I live. I will be working with kids who have behavioral issues for the most part. I am really excited.

Anyways....

Sunday evening I had a major melt down. I have had really bad anxiety ever since I was with some of my ex-boyfriends who were abusive. I didn't used to take people critiquing me poorly and having the vulnerable feeling didn't used to bother me as much as it does now. I get pretty bad anxiety when people are talking to me and I feel like I am vulnerable or like they are picking on me. Its something that I have noticed for a while now and have been working on fixing. It has slowly been getting better but with graduating in a little over a year I want to get it under control. I never do it when I am at work or out in public, but the anxiety once it peaks can make me yell or just get beyond defensive.

So Sunday i was studying for my abuse and illness test that I had today and it was about domestic abuse and it talked about being controlling and not wanting them to hang out with their friends and that made me think of how I was with my most recent ex-boyfriend and that scared the crap out of me. I called my mom and asked her if she though I was and we both have come to the conclusion that I'm not. My last ex-boyfriend cheated on me and played mind games and lied a lot so I just need to realize that if I start having feelings of I need to know where he is at all times that I need to end the relationship because its not healthy for me and I probably don't trust him at all.

But in this conversation with my mom a very big fear that I think I knew I kind of had but not how bad it was came to light. I realized that I don't want to be anything like my dad. My dad is controlling and manipulative. He doesn't care about anybody but himself. He was pretty much a sperm donor and now only wants to be in my life when it is convenient for him. I love him and he is my dad but I don't want any of his qualities because I can't think of one good one.

So I think my message here is that if you are feeling down or like something quite isn't right maybe talk to somebody you can trust because there could be an underlying issue like mine (not wanting to be like my dad) and who knows when that could effect you. That is one of my problems is that I think I have to deal with all the stress and emotions alone and then I blow up eventually. My mom and I have a relationship where I can call her when i start to feel stressed, angry, or when I feel anxiety coming on. I know for me the worst of these is the anxiety because it can hit so fast that if I don't get it dealt with I can yell at my mom.

If you tend to have these situations like anger or anxiety some things you can do are:
- find an activity that you like to do and put the energy you feel from the emotion into it
   - examples: Counter cross stitching, knitting, writing, drawing
- Talk to someone
  - If you feel an emotion coming on try to talk to somebody because maybe they can help calm you down
-Play dough
  -Yes, i said it. Play dough. If you are someone who gets the urge to hit someone or something get play dough or a stress ball and squeeze it instead of acting out.