My Story

I guess this is where I write my story and what happened to me and how I came to make the choice that I did. All the names in this blog though will be changed.

Hi guys,

I'm a junior in college now and what I am about to write about happened to me my senior year in high school right at the end.

My parents divorced my freshmen year in high school and I started to act out I guess you could say. I would lie about where I was going or who I was with. Well my senior year in high school the first half I spent dating this guy who we will call Chris. Lookings back now he was a total scurve, so why I thought it was a good idea to date him I'm not sure. Anyways....we dated for a while from the summer because my senior year until about half way through it. One weekend I went to the Mall of America with my dad, his fiance, and my sister. It was a month or so before prom so my dad bought me my prom dress. I was so excited to get home though to see my boyfriend because he was just going to be coming back from "visiting" his grandma who was in the hospital in Wisconsin. I put visiting in quotations because he was lying about that. I mean its one thing to lie but its really low to lie and say that a family member is in the hospital. What he was really doing during that week was cheating on me. He went to Wisconsin to see an ex-girlfriend, he would have gotten away with it except for that night when he came over I came downstairs wearing my prom dress so he could see it and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He lied and tried to tell me that he must have gotten it from something in the hospital so that was the end of that.

Shortly after breaking up with him I met a guy who seemed amazing. He made me laugh, smile, and was there for me through the whole Chris scenario, for our purposes we will call this new guy Steve. Well, we started dating and things got hot and heavy fast. He lived on the other side of town from me and I would go over there often. Slowly though I started to figure out that things weren't right. He was really controlling and hated me being around my parents. We hardly ever hung out at my house it was always his house. "Steve" was also a scum bucket. He had never graduated from high school and the day that I graduated he seemed to be pissed about it. Anyways. We dated and he took me to prom. Well a few weeks after prom I found out that I was pregnant. I was devastated  it was the end of my senior year and I wanted to go to college and make something of myself. (no i did not get pregnant on prom night it had happened before that)

I was so scared to tell "Steve" because I didn't know how he would act. I was really stupid though because from day one he told me that he couldn't have kids because of some accident that he was in. Well because I was so afraid to tell "Steve" I told my best friend "Sam" (girl) first. She was amazing and there for me 100%. The time came that I needed to tell "Steve" and he was actually happy about it! I am sure it didn't stress him out like it did me because he was doing what he always did, NOTHING. He had no job, nothing. He got mad at me because as I was telling him I was crying because I saw it as something that was going to potentially ruin my whole life. From then on things only got worse; he didn't want me to hang out with friends, but nothing would stop me from hanging with Sam, he didn't want me around my family and he didn't want me to have fun. The further along I got the worse my pregnancy symptoms would get. I had terrible morning sickness, only it wasn't just in the morning it was off and on throughout the day and I never knew when it was going to hit. The worst parts were that car rides made me sick and certain smells were horrible. The smell of sex was one of the worst ones. The mix of the sweat smell with the sex smell made me throw up every time. It got to the point where I didn't want to have sex but he would make me feel so bad that I would cave in.

Eventually things between "Steve" and I just kept getting worse. I was supposed to be having fun it was the end of my senior year. I didn't want to tell my mom or anybody else until after graduation because my mom was so excited. Well "Steve" ruined my graduation party because he just staired and wouldn't have fun, the day of graduation he was a jerk to everyone, including me. So after that I decided to go to my dads lake house for Memorial day weekend with my friend "Sam" and try to figure things out. At this point I had tried breaking up with "Steve" multiple times but every time I did he would black mail me with this unborn child, saying that if I did he would tell my mom. Memorial weekend came and I was trying to have fun even though being on the boat made me nauseous and "Steve" expected me to text him 24/7 and he would get mad if I didn't reply fast enough. That Monday I was supposed to hang out with him but I decided that I wanted to go to the beach with Sam instead. That made him so mad to the point where we finally broke up. I lied and told him that I didn't even know if it was his, which cut me to the core because I've never cheated before and then I lied after he started threatening me and my family and said that I had miscarried. I was so shaken up from the things that he had been saying to me that when I went up to my room to get something and my mom called me into her office and asked what was wrong, I just lost it. She guessed that I was pregnant and asked me what I wanted to do. At this point I had kind of gotten use to the idea but I didn't want "Steve" in my life for the rest of my life and I knew that every time my child was with him I would worry about him/her.

My mom asked if I wanted an abortion. I said yes. Up until this point my whole life I thought I was against abortion, but the minute my mom asked that was the first word out of my mouth. I was surprised and my mom was surprised that she had asked. I still don't believe that abortions should just be used as a form of birth control for people who don't use their heads. I guess people could say that, that was what I did. That I took the easy way out, that I could have fought for custody, sucked it up and had the dad in mine and my childs life, or put it up for adoption. But this is what I have to say. I believe that I made the right choice for both me and what would have been my child. I wouldn't have been able to afford a child right out of high school, I wanted my child to be proud in their mother, and now when I do have kids they will be proud in the mother that I am because I will have finished college. That yes I could have tried to put it up for adoption but that, that wouldn't have happened because he probably wouldn't of signed the papers. Yes I could have spent thousands in court and still probably lost and then worried constantly about my child, especially when he had lost custody of a son before.

I digress. After saying yes my mom called planed parenthood and I went down. They showed me a video of what I could go through, they did an internal ultra sound and asked if I wanted to know if it was twins, hear the heart beat, and see a picture. I said no, because I knew if I heard the heart beat that I wouldn't be able to go through with it especially if it was twins. I did see a picture of it when I stood up to put my pants back on that was really hard and to this day I can remember the picture clear as day. I found out that I was starting my ninth week and that I was just at the mark of where I could do the pill abortion instead of the surgical one. It was a painful process and it tore my body apart but I did it.

I wont act like I am okay from it. It has been 2 years and I still struggle with the choice I made and experience cognitive dissonance over it. But that is for another blog entry.

So for now this is my story of how it happened.