Please remember that for all purposes the names in this blog entry have been change but will stay constant throughout this entire blog. Thank you!
So the last time I wrote anything I wrote my story out and tried to just tell my story without interjecting into it how I felt and what I struggle with. Today I am going to write about the things I struggled with right after my abortion and in a later blog entry I will write about some of the things I struggled with a year later and then two years later. Then after those two blogs I will write about what has helped me to start healing and who has really been there for me.
Initially when I walked out of planned parenthood having just taken my first dose of the medication I had to for the abortion. The first step when it comes to the medication abortion is what Planned Parenthood calls "The Abortion Pill", "The abortion pill works by blocking the hormone progesterone. Without progesterone, the lining of the uterus breaks down, and pregnancy cannot continue." (Planned Parenthood) This is what started happening the minute I took the pill at the clinic. Nothing felt different to me. I still was nauseous but emotionally I felt more free. I knew that I didn't have to worry about "Steve" anymore. My mom took my to Ihop for the first time in my life right afterwards and I ended up throwing up in their parking lot. I was scared to death. Here I was having just taken that pill and I was throwing up. A million thoughts raced through my head:
What if it didn't work?
What if I had only a partial abortion?
What if I now had to have a surgical abortion?
What if I now had to keep the baby and it had birth defects?
I was so scared. I was just at the 9 week mark which is the last week that they will allow you to do a medication abortion. My mom had to call the clinic and they said that since it had been in my system for up to twenty minutes that I would be fine. That made me feel a little better but I was still nauseous so we went in and ate some breakfast because we had, had to be down there by eight in the morning.
The next day is when the pain and emotional struggle started.
The next day is when I took the rest of the pills for the medical abortion its called Mistoprostol. "The second medicine — misoprostol — will cause you to have cramps and bleed heavily. Some women may begin bleeding before taking the second medicine. But for most, the bleeding and cramping begin after taking it. It usually lasts a few hours. You may see large blood clots or tissue at the time of the abortion." (Planned Parenthood) This was the worst part. This is when I came to realize what I was doing. What my provider had me do was I think it was eight pills, I had to stick them under my tongue for a few minutes to let them dissolve, I then had to swallow whatever had not dissolved. They gave me prescription painkillers and an antibiotic to take. The painkillers didn't help me though. During this time you are not allowed to use tampons, you have to use pads and for me that was just disgusting. I threw up Rollos that day because every time the pain got bad I would get sick. I was very fortunate though because whenever the pain got bad I would rush to the restroom sit down and I would expel part of the pregnancy. The biggest part is when you are really losing the pregnancy that happened about two hours after I took these pills. It comes out about the size of an orange or your fist. Mine was probably the size of a fist and that's when the emotions of what I was doing really hit because I realized what that was. That happened a couple more times for a day or two and they weren't as big after the first time and then for about a week I bled and would have what looked like small clots but it was just part of the lining of my uterus.
This was the worst part. I realized what I was doing. I was in so much pain and my sister kept asking me what was wrong. I had back contractions on top of normal ones. My mom was a huge help in this.
The weekend this happened I went to see what was going to be her new house. The day after the initial part of the abortion and the worst of it was over I felt more like myself. I thought emotionally I was going to be okay. Then that day we went to the zoo and i was fine until I realized how many pregnant women were around me and how many babies, also then later in the day I started cramping again.
I wasn't comfortable being around little kids, babies, or pregnant women for a while. I am not totally against abortion but I am to a point and I struggle with that constantly and majorly did right after my abortion. I tried to tell myself that because it was the medication one that it was more like a miscarriage than anything else but it was still really hard for me. Plus it was like my mom didn't want to talk about it and she didn't want me to talk about it with other people. Today I understand why but then when I really needed someone it really hurt. I struggled at the start with wondering if I had made the right choice or if I was being selfish. It was just a hard time. I wish I could say that things got easier but they really got harder a year later. That is for another blog entry though. So for now that is all.
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