2 Years And Counting

Hey all,

Sorry I haven't done any writing in a while. I'm in college and have been studying for finals and getting ready for Christmas break. Now I have been spending time on Christmas break with family and friends but I will get back to writing and finishing the blog soon.  So for those of you who may have forgotten about what I wrote about previously you might want to look back other wise we will just say that I wrote about the struggles I went through emotionally and mentally right after my abortion.

In this blog I will talk about the struggles I have faced emotionally and mentally over the past two years and things that have helped me over come them. I will also write about the abusive relationship I was in after this happened along with some other things that happened to me and how that didn't help my healing process. I will use "Paul" for my abusive ex-boyfriends name. Oh, please remember that all names in this blog are fake. Thanks. :)

Also, there are other page tabs at the top of my blog, they are not done yet but I plan on working on them over my vacation, sorry it is taking me so long you guys.

This past summer in June was the marker of two years since I had my abortion. It's probably not healthy that I remember that but it really wasn't all that long ago that it happened and it was a traumatic event.

I don't really know where to start I guess....

Like I said in my previous blog when I first left planned parenthood I felt relieved and like my self and I hadn't in a long time. Then about 6 months to a year later I really started to struggle with my choice.

Shortly after having my abortion I started dating "Paul". He made me smile and laugh, I thought he was different from all the others and he was just what I needed. I told him about my abortion and he took it really well and told me I was strong and stuff. While dating him I had a hard time being around babies. His brother's wife had their daughter in September, shortly after we started dating and it was hard for me when I got to hold her because it just made me think about the fact that I could have had a baby like that to hold and take care of. I then started doubting if I had actually made the right decision or if I should have had the baby and then fought with all my might to get full custody of it. I struggled because I had, had names picked out for if it was a boy or a girl. I had started to get attached before I had my abortion. But none of this hit me until about six months later. I felt like "Paul" was the only person I could talk to about how I was struggling but eventually he started to get tired of dealing with it and he would get mad and tell me to quit, he didn't want to hear about it. That made me feel beyond alone. I just didn't know what to do.

So there was the first thing I started to struggle with, being around babies or young children.  Along with the second thing I began struggling with, "did I make the right choice?" Then when ever that question would hit I would feel like a horrible person, I would remember them asking if I wanted to hear the heart beat and me saying no, because I knew I wouldn't be able to follow through then. Then I would wonder, "maybe I should have heard the heart beat just to make sure that its the choice I want" I just couldn't get away. These questions and feelings would make me feel like a murder, which in turn would make me depressed. I struggled extremely bad.

I was holding all of that in. I wanted to go to counseling but I didn't want to tell a stranger the choice I had, had to make. It was bad. So then I was in this relationship with a guy who slowly was becoming abusive. He would yell at me, make me feel like everything was my fault. We would get into fights and he'd pin me against the wall or block me in a room. He was bigger then  me. One time he left finger print bruises on my arm and his mom asked where I got them and I had to tell her I didn't know. He put my knee through a wall at his moms once in his room and rolled my arm up in a window and left a bad bruise. But he would eventually say he was sorry and that things would change and then they would for a while. I thought I loved him, we got "engaged" but that was fake in my mind, he just used it to have more power over me.

Going through that only caused my feelings and depression to worsen. I was with him for over a year before I finally got out. 

I still struggle to this day about my choice. Not as much as I used to because people have helped, which I will write about in another entry. But I struggle at holidays for some reason, I see people with their kids and think, "Wow I'd have an almost 2 year old." Things like that or I will wonder if I would have been a good mom or if I made the right choice. I hope that at some point it will get easier and I will stop having those feelings. I even worry about when I do have kids some day if I will be able to handle it or if my past will haunt me. I just have to keep healing and telling my story and bettering myself. I tell myself I would want that child I didn't have to have been proud of me and hopefully he/she would be proud of the person I am becoming.

It is hard though. What helped me the most was finding out that I wasn't alone. That other girls have been where I have been. Had happen to them what happened to me.

But I will save that for another entry. I hope all of you had a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday. Please have a safe New Year as well.