Awkward Turttle Moments

Hey guys!! Its been about a week now since my last post and its been a lot longer than that since we talked abortion. I don't even know if I remember where I was at. But anyways lets talk abortion in this one, or awkward, uncomfortable moments I encounter these days with people that don't know my past.

Awkward moments that can happen can happen any where like you wouldn't believe.

My sister, mom, dad, his fiance, are the only ones in my family who know about my abortion.

First awkward moment that tends to happen a lot and it actually brings up emotions I would think I'd be over by now of hurt and sadness over my choice is when my grandma gets on her rants about teen mom or single moms. Its not her fault because she doesn't know, but she also will never know. My grandpa is a retired Methodist minister and they are both extremely religious in their views and if they knew I had been pregnant or had, had an abortion it would not end well at all. Today her, her sister, and I went to an art festival and then stopped by and visited my cousin who is expecting and her husbands family showed up; well his sister has a child and the father isn't in the picture. Well, when we were walking to the car she brings up how she doesn't have a father in the picture and how its just so tragic that women go through that and what not. I don't know why that start to a conversation triggered something but she always rants. So I sit there thinking, well I'd have a 3 year old this coming January ish if I had kept the child. Which then makes me start thinking about what him/her would be like, if I'd be a good mom and what not and all the emotions start flooding in. The worse part about this is when I have to sit there and listen and hide it and act like everything is okay. Because if I show one ounce of how I'm feeling she will see it and ask and that isn't a can of worms I want to open or deal with.

I think it is safe to say that over the course of the past two years I have become extremely good at masking my pain and emotions. This isn't a good thing though and I don't recommend this to other women or anyone for that case going through a hard time. It is a horrible feeling, feeling like you have this huge, deep, dark secret that you can't tell anyone. I am open with people I don't know because they can judge if they want and they can leave, or they can stick around and get to know the girl that I have become because of what I have gone through. The reason this is really bad is because I hold my feelings in and hide them about almost everything in my life that hurts me.

Another awkward moment is when you are walking down to your college and you walk past a smaller place of where you got your abortion and its not even the one that practices abortions but there is a woman out there every day holding a sign and doing her thing saying how bad they are, not to do them, and so on. This is a little bit easier to get over and doesn't cause as many emotions to arise. Its more just uncomfortable. Eventually I learned how to ignore it.

Out of this whole experience I have found many people who accept it, I even had a friend that told me she had gone through it herself in high school also.

I think that I am stronger for it. I may have my weak points but I know when the time is right that I will be an amazing mother and I have so much love to give.

Gone But Not Forgotten

I haven't written in a while, well I guess since I wrote about dad moving.

I have decided that I am not struggling with the fact that he is moving, but that I know we will no longer really have a relationship because he wont put fourth effort; but that is not what I am going to write about today.

In two months it will be a year from when I met Dillon and shortly after Christmas it will be a year of him being gone already. I still have a hard time believing that he is gone and that he took his own life. I will forever be baffeled on why he took his life where he did, church parking lot. That makes quite the statement. He was always so happy though and always there for everybody.

I remember when I found out clear as day. I didn't think I would be able to make it to the mandatory house meeting that our hall director was doing on our floor because I had school work to do down on campus. I went down and talked to him early and found out that he had passed away, his cousin then told me he had committed suicide.

Big blow up pink monkey finally took a turn for the worse and died which is sad cause if it hadn't been for that monkey I never would have met him and made such a great friend.

Dillon you are gone but not forgotten. I miss you. 

Left Behind

Home Made Ice Cream

This has nothing to do with any life choice that I have made, but one that my dad made and how it is going to further probably damage our already rocky relationship.

I have been having a lot of health problems that have been stressing me out. Mom and I have been to doctors and to Mayo clinic thinking I was going to have my gall bladder out or worse. Got news that because of antibiotics I had to take before having my root canal that I had gotten antibiotic C Diff. So I have been on medicine for two weeks and if its not cleared up we go from there; I have had it for nine months now.

I was just getting off of having to being in Rochester with my mom for tests and stuff because of medication and before heading back to where I go to school at in Iowa I decided to go to my dads house for fathers day.

Baking Cookies Last Christmas

After a two hour drive I had just pulled up to my dads house and parked; I wasn't even out of the car for five minutes yet when I got the news that him and his fiance were going to be moving to South Dakota. They are moving because she hates her job and to be by her family. This means that the rocky relationship I already have with my dad is only going to get rockier. He puts hardly nothing into our relationship as of right now anyways. The only time we talk is if I call and that is sometimes and never for long; half the time he doesn't even call me back or answer. This means the him moving there I will pretty much never see him and it is going to just be that much harder. I am just so confused on what to do. They say they will figure out some how for us to get out there but I am used to splitting holidays fair and square between my parents and in some way shape or form getting to see both parents in the day and I wont be able to now.

Today has been hard since I got here. You would think I wouldn't care because we do have a rocky relationship and he isn't hardly in my life but for 21 years now I have tried to make my dad proud and tried to have a relationship with him and it hasn't worked. He got bored with me once I couldn't play sports anymore and I remind him to much of my mom I think and he absolutely hates her.

So on top of being upset from that I have been picked on by him and my sister all day and just making it worse. Today we made homemade ice cream and its hard for me because we always do stuff around holidays or when I'm home. At holidays we bake like nobodies business and what not.

Dad, Me, Rox (dads fiance) Holidazzle Parade 

I just don't know what to think and feeling. Can't really talk to mom because she just "dad bashes" and my boyfriend is at work til God knows when tonight.

Just so confused and hurt, I feel like this is the one last shove and that we wont have a relationship at all once he moves. Typing this out is enough to have me tearing up.

Well that is all for now.

Have a wonderful night everyone.