Hey guys!! Its been about a week now since my last post and its been a lot longer than that since we talked abortion. I don't even know if I remember where I was at. But anyways lets talk abortion in this one, or awkward, uncomfortable moments I encounter these days with people that don't know my past.
Awkward moments that can happen can happen any where like you wouldn't believe.
My sister, mom, dad, his fiance, are the only ones in my family who know about my abortion.
First awkward moment that tends to happen a lot and it actually brings up emotions I would think I'd be over by now of hurt and sadness over my choice is when my grandma gets on her rants about teen mom or single moms. Its not her fault because she doesn't know, but she also will never know. My grandpa is a retired Methodist minister and they are both extremely religious in their views and if they knew I had been pregnant or had, had an abortion it would not end well at all. Today her, her sister, and I went to an art festival and then stopped by and visited my cousin who is expecting and her husbands family showed up; well his sister has a child and the father isn't in the picture. Well, when we were walking to the car she brings up how she doesn't have a father in the picture and how its just so tragic that women go through that and what not. I don't know why that start to a conversation triggered something but she always rants. So I sit there thinking, well I'd have a 3 year old this coming January ish if I had kept the child. Which then makes me start thinking about what him/her would be like, if I'd be a good mom and what not and all the emotions start flooding in. The worse part about this is when I have to sit there and listen and hide it and act like everything is okay. Because if I show one ounce of how I'm feeling she will see it and ask and that isn't a can of worms I want to open or deal with.
I think it is safe to say that over the course of the past two years I have become extremely good at masking my pain and emotions. This isn't a good thing though and I don't recommend this to other women or anyone for that case going through a hard time. It is a horrible feeling, feeling like you have this huge, deep, dark secret that you can't tell anyone. I am open with people I don't know because they can judge if they want and they can leave, or they can stick around and get to know the girl that I have become because of what I have gone through. The reason this is really bad is because I hold my feelings in and hide them about almost everything in my life that hurts me.
Another awkward moment is when you are walking down to your college and you walk past a smaller place of where you got your abortion and its not even the one that practices abortions but there is a woman out there every day holding a sign and doing her thing saying how bad they are, not to do them, and so on. This is a little bit easier to get over and doesn't cause as many emotions to arise. Its more just uncomfortable. Eventually I learned how to ignore it.
Out of this whole experience I have found many people who accept it, I even had a friend that told me she had gone through it herself in high school also.
I think that I am stronger for it. I may have my weak points but I know when the time is right that I will be an amazing mother and I have so much love to give.
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